Bi-Weekly Drug Test

So I'm on probation for getting busted with weed 2 summers ago. Yep, I'm still on probation. I got busted with amphetamines in my system twice. I had to go to rehab and jump through a whole bunch of hoops to stay on probation. But anyway, my testing is down to once every two weeks now. Isn't that great? It saves me so much money. But the issue is, I still missed my goddamn test. Here's what happened.

Once I started using again, I would take about 4-5 days off before my drug test to clear my system. I would basically just sleep the whole time. My parents were getting suspicious and I wanted to use all the time, every day, so I went out and bought something called the Pissinator. It's a contraption that's composed of a fake penis, a belt, a strap and a bag of fake urine. So when they're watching you take a piss they can't tell that you're substituting fake urine in. It's really life-like too. Like it looks exactly like my dick. Here's what the Pissinator includes:

Anyway, the issue was that I was too nervous to use the Pissinator. Would I be able to hide it? Would they notice? Would the fake urine even work for the test? So I just overslept 3 days in a row instead of going. I'm not sure what's going to happen as a result of that but hopefully my probation officer just overlooks it like everything else so far. She's missed two separate occassions where I just flat-out missed a test!

So today I finally got the balls to head up to the drug testing center, my PIssinator strapped tight to my body and ready to go. When I had to blow on the breathalyzer I was shaking something crazy, mix of the speed and intense nerve. Then I got my cup and headed to the bathroom. The attendant man took a glimpse to make sure I had a real dick and then shut the door. I squeezed the tip of the Pissinator and pushed on the fake piss bag strapped to my chest and out flowed the urine.

Then...the moment of truth. Would it pass? Of course it did. I was ecstatic to find this out even though my situation is still pretty sticky what with missing my test and all. It's just like old times, it really is. Which sucks ass. I hate being an amphetamine addict but at the same time I get so much done. My mom's starting to get suspicious of me and I know my time as a tweaker might end soon.

I read this quote about cocaine addiction (which is basically the same as speed or amphetamine addiction) and it said that "Cocaine is easy to stop but hard to make it stick". That's so true. There's no physical withdrawal besides sleeping a lot. But after a few weeks or a few months of sobriety, it's back to the tweaking days again. I think if I go to treatment again I'll seek out specific recovery tips for people that used speed. Because it's like...most people use their drug to get fucked up. And I mean, I'm not denying that I do that too. My dopamine pathways are fucked right now. But I also do it to get stuff done. No alcoholic or dope fiend was ever creating SEO empires when they were fucked up, but that's the difference between tweakers and the rest of em. So yeah next time I think I'll seek specific help for that.

Anyway yeah that's my story about the drug test....thanks for reading!